Spring is in the Air, and Making an Early Appearance in the Garden!

iIt’s finally spring!

Here in the Northeast winters usually feel endless to me. This year I started early. The Cape is a little warmer owing to being on the seashore, and I have some early start herbs I’m putting in. WOOOO!

Cape cod soil is pretty much what you’d expect … sand and clay. And lots of it. So we trucked in some planting soil and started clearing away vines and debris in a sunny spot to the west of the house.

It doesn’t look like much right now but it will be full of flowering herbs this summer! And we’ve found a local fence company to put in a garden fence for us – it’ll have to be dug into the ground to protect my precious gardens from rabbits and woodchucks. Two stories come to mind whenever I think about rabbits and woodchucks decimating my garden: Peter Rabbit and Caddyshack. You wouldn’t expect those two to go together, would you??

slate stakes identify what's planted
early herbs include chamomile, echinacea angustifolia, comfrey

And importantly, our friends the garlic shoots have made an appearance:

small green blades of garlic emerging from a bed of leaves
garlic emerging from a bed of leaves

Is this garlic shoot seriously not the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?

green shoots and leaves with red stems emerge from little planters
chard and onions starting to grow in a seed starter mat.

Finally, the onions and kale I started early are coming along. I added a few leek seeds in later, to the right, and I’m waiting for those to germinate. Later this month it’ll be lettuce, broccoli and cauliflower.

I am dreaming of spring flowers and greens, and beach walks. Soon!

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Herbal Remedy for Colitis/IBS/gut inflammation

Some time ago a friend approached me about his case of chronic colitis. Which is to say — he has had it for a long time and it’s pretty miserable, and did I have any suggestions?

Off the top of my head, other than demulcents, which are mucilaginous herbs that coat and soothe inflamed or irritated membranes, I did not. But I did a bit of reading and found that there is an herbal formula that has been used for IBS and similar problems related to the digestive system for a long time with good results, and has been adapted for use with modern constituent derivatives, etc. Looking at the ingredients list, it seemed to me that the formula addresses inflammation and virus in the gut. None of the ingredients had contra-indications that discouraged me, though these are definitely medicinal, rather than tonic herbs. By that I mean that these herbs are known to have powerful and immediate effects, as opposed to herbs that are gentler and can be taken daily and indefinitely. 

I decided to make the traditional formula myself and share it with him. 

There are versions of the formula that can be purchased online and have been modified from the traditional version by their makers, but I found an “original” formula that did not include derivative compounds, and purchased those herbs.

a mixing bowl of herbs flanked by jars of each type that appear in the bowl.
the individual ingredients in Roberts formula pictured here and combined at front in a mixing bowl before encapsulating

I will give away the ending before continuing this story: this formula worked for him. It corrected a chronic and persistent case of colitis that had been present for over a decade in a matter of weeks. 

encapsulating Robert’s Forumula

When the herbs arrived I had to grind some in order to be able to compound them, so I spent a Saturday morning grinding and combining them in equal parts. The old formula did not specify the quantity or ratio of each herb. I know from my herbal studies that often we combine in equal parts unless we know an herb (like cayenne or in goldenseal, for example) should be used more sparingly. I made the decision to combine them in equal parts.

The ingredients in the formula I made: Purple Coneflower root (Echinacea angustifolia), Marshmallow Root (Althaea officinalis), Wild Indigo Root (Baptisia tinctoria. note here the original called for a different genus – Baptisia australis, but the tinctoria was available and I judged the substitution to be fine), Slippery Elm Bark (Ulmus rubra), Poke Root (Phytolacca americana), American Cranesbill Root (Geranium maculatum), Goldenseal Root (Hydrastis canadensis. A note, this is an endangered species at this time so I was careful to order it organically cultivated. Please don’t buy this wildcrafted.)

We know that herbs are the original medicine of the people, and that they are powerful and effective, but I was surprised at how quickly and effectively this formula worked because traditional allopathic medicine had tried and failed to treat him. The truth is that allopathic medicine often is more quickly effective for some things – for killing pain, for example. But in this case these herbs, which are whole foods, worked with his body to remedy a problem that had been serious and persistent for many years, and had not been treatable with allopathic medicine.

Some of the versions of this formula you can buy are liquid and arguably more easily absorbed. I felt that in this person’s case the ease of the capsules would help ensure he’d take them, and the pure nature of the herbs compounded together with no “carrier” ingredients (tincture or syrup) felt intuitively right and was more accessible to me. 

If you have questions about this please feel free to reach out to me. I’m not a doctor, just a simpler herbalist, but I felt sharing this was important because of the profound effect it had for my friend , and I know that many people have similar digestive problems. 

Wishing you wellness.

Finished Roberts Formula capsules

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Re-committing

The fact that our gut biome greatly benefits from putting our hands in the dirt is probably one of the most meaningfully religious doctrines I know – and I have a graduate degree in religion, so I’m as serious as a heart attack about that. 

I mention it here because this is about the time that I start to pare back my expectations for the year. I reserve the right to adjust my hopes back based on the amount of chicken poop and other compost I can gather! But here’s the early plan:

seedtime garden map of vegetables

I plan to volunteer as a gleaner and grant writer for Farming Falmouth, too, and there aren’t enough hours in the day for everything, but again, this is a first ambitious draft.

Carrots, spinach, onions, cauliflower and (hidden) garlic in the bottom right, chamomile, beets, arugula, broccoli and radishes stop right corner, tomatoes, basil, swiss chard, beans, and calendula middle top and an assortment of winter squash top left. the middle rectangle is an imaginary patio that currently does not exist but could have our picnic table on it someday.

happy green beans in the garden

Not shown is an herb garden (bottom right, out a window to the right of the kitchen table) that will have many of my favorites – lemon balm, fennel, verbena, parsley, more chamomile (because who can have enough?), peppermint, monarch and hyssop for the pollinators (center because they are tall), some more sage, a rhubarb plant (also center), rosemary, lavender, bay leaves, lemongrass, tulsi, purple basil, asclepia for the monarda butterflies. And more flowers elsewhere including my favorite zinna and some marigolds because they just get along with everyone. The space will be big but that’s okay. Flanking this against the fence – a hedge of raspberries. What’s missing? Potatoes. We love them, we eat them, they aren’t here.

That said, we can get them at the local Pariah Farm farmstand. I welcome visitors and will gladly share what we grow. 

cherry tomatoes make a luxurious sauce

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Planting Software is the BOMB.

A friend from our local farming non-profit, Farming Falmouth, turned me onto this application. It’s called SeedTime – it’s an app for planning gardens. He wanted me to evaluate it for the non-profit with an eye toward using it to plan gardens around town and … I bought it for myself. Some people can’t resist buying clothes, jewelry, and watches. This is the third online program and second piece of software I’ve purchased to play in my yard with. I know plenty of tech-savvy nature lovers, but gardeners? Not sure. Feel free to set me straight, but I think I’m pretty weird.

Anyway, the screenshot above is a pic of my developing and definitely NOT finished backyard plan. I’m grouping things that grow happily together and then matching that according to what gets planted during a given week. So, for instance, this picture above shows what’s growing in April. Later on, there will be other crops added and the crops and arrangement will change.

garlic growing in the garde3n
garlic growing in last year’s garden – scrapes are the curling pointed stalks you see here and they are delicious!

I managed to jam some garlic in before it got too cold – but I forgot to add it to my plan, so I’ll rework it to include the garlic, my rhubarb plant, and some herbs I put in the day we arrived. (Yes, I’m that attached to my plants.)

The planting – onions, early start indoors – starts in a couple of weeks!  Wow! Last year I direct-seeded onions and wound up with teeny-tiny little ones. I guess now I know why! They weren’t in for long enough! 

I have always ignored the days to maturity on my seed packets for three reasons. 1- I’m lazy (or too busy drinking wine while I plan the garden). 2- I am not growing for profit so I don’t *need* to know how long till maturity. I can just, you know, plant them and see what happens… and 3 – I’m not disciplined or organized enough to plan my calendar around my planting activities. I know my limits and the truth is I like to play in the dirt. I made mud cakes when I was a kid, too.

But seedtime makes it both effortless and fun to just plant things when you’re supposed to, and to actually *know* when to harvest them — It’s on a color-coded calendar! No more staring at the aerial parts and wondering if my roots are ready. It’s an epiphany.

Honestly, in all of my years working in the software industry I have appreciated A LOT about the cool things we built, but this takes the cake. And no, those guys have no idea I am writing about them in this blog. 

glorious, beautiful radishes just after harvesting garden last year.

I wish they included annual herbs (herbs that won’t grow happily in the northeast) in their crops schedule. I’ll suggest it! 

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Mixing and Matching for Happier Gardens – and Gardeners!

Sometimes we have to share. When you plan to share, that’s okay. It’s a little tougher to handle sharing when you aren’t expecting to, though. For instance, when I buy an ice cream cone I’m not thinking I’ll have to share it. It’s pretty great to have a whole ice cream cone all for yourself, it’s less great if you have to share it. The same thing is true for some garden goodies. I know the birds will share my raspberries. I expect it so I let the raspberries get a little bushier in order to have enough for the humans and the birds.

A different case is cabbage. One year I planted cabbage (my first and only attempt to date), which grew into beautiful gorgeous light green cabbage heads. When I picked them and cut into them they had already been claimed by some sort of cabbage worm. Such a drag, I was so excited to harvest my very own cabbage and NOT excited to share.

cabbage with some worm holes visible
cabbage that the worms got to before I did

Writing about it reminds me of a lady I know that planted a beautiful set of raised beds in her backyard one year. She had 6 tall beds and many beautiful ornamental gardens all around her home. They were so impressive and beautifully tended that she opened them for a garden tour one year. On the night before the tour a family of groundhogs found her vegetable garden and absolutely razed every single plant in her boxes down to their nubbins. Completely down to the dirt.

When we garden tourists arrived to her home the next day we were all confused – why did she have all of those empty boxes in her backyard? Oh, well, we said. The rest of the gardens were glorious! …

Well, yeah. Groundhogs like tomatoes, too, it turns out.

I am not sure whether we have groundhogs here… I’ll find out this year I’m sure. In the meantime, though, I’ll be planning my tomato patch with basil to repel flies and hornworms. Rosemary with carrots and green beans to repel root flies and bean beetles, and thyme near my peppers to repel spider mites and white flies… in years past I’ve put some herbs into the vegetable garden but mostly I had an herb garden near the kitchen and veggies out back on a bigger site. I’m changing that now. The kitchen garden will have herbs, flowers and vegetables mixed in together. 

yellow pear tomatoes, green beans, peppers in a bowl
yellow pear tomatoes, green beans and peppers from the garden

Tomatoes with basil and marigolds, broccoli with beets and chamomile, radishes with spinach, lettuce, calendula, and beans, cauliflower with garlic, onions and chives … I’m getting hungry just thinking about it!

radishes and lettuc etogether
radishes and lettuce grow well together

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New Beginning, New Kitchen Garden

monarch caterpillar on asclepius pod
Monarch Caterpillar on Asclepius pod in our herb garden

We’ve moved house. Aside from adapting to a new place and new people, I’m adapting to new land, new trees, new plants, and … a blank-ish slate. The people that lived here before weren’t gardeners, so aside from some unhappy grass and some mature perennial plantings that include hydrangeas (it being the cape and all), it’s a brand new start.

Since it’s seed catalog time and it’s too cold to be outside in the garden, my obvious move is to start planning the kitchen garden. Oh, yeah! Culinary and medicinal herbs, flowers and vegetables.

There were some key things about the herb garden at the farm:

  • I could walk barefoot out my kitchen door on a stone walkway to cut herbs for dinner.  Pure bliss.
  • It faced east, which meant it got great morning sun and much of the garden didn’t bake in the late afternoon summer sun. The bits that did get that sun where home to things like chamomile, lavender, verbena, hyssop, zinnia, monarda, yarrow … plant spirits that were happy with that setting.
  • There was a window from the kitchen onto the garden, so I had a good view of butterflies, hummingbirds, yellow finches, dragon flies, and other gorgeous pollinators and birds that hung out in the garden

There’s nothing like looking out the window and being confronted by a humming bird staring back at you or a praying mantis perched on the window frame. It’s like living in a charmed movie.

monarch on verbena flower

So I’m choosing a spot next to the back yard slider from the kitchen area. An east facing area isn’t available without removing trees, so I’ll have to make a spot that’s south west of the kitchen work, and I’ll ask our carpenter, Norm, to make stairs on that side of the deck so that I can walk directly to the garden … barefoot! 

tax map of property in Falmouth MA
tax map of our new house with a box where our new herb garden is going to be

Other things to prep – the soil here is full of clay and sand, which will mean compost, and lots of it, some stepping stones from a local landscape store, and a clear calendar starting in April.

garlic scrapes last year

This year I planted garlic in October in a bed I threw together hastily just to the south of where the herb garden is going to be, so I will design the gardens and their contents over coming weeks … more to come as the plan and the work evolve!

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Flow and Adapt

Ashwagandha, Rhodiola root, and Schisandra Berry powders

My son decided to drop out of his college program with approximately one year remaining. He has practical reasons for this, but also, he was stressed out and his health wasn’t benefiting from the lifestyle and pressure he had. One way he chose to address the stress was to buy a bottle of “adaptogens” – capsules filled with Ashwagandha, Rhodiola root, and Schisandra berry. Most of us have heard of adaptogens – plants that help us manage and recover from stress – and Tristan found them to be very useful to him as he tried to balance his full-time course load with a new business that he was trying to get off the ground.  

In my studies, I’ve learned that some producers are sourcing their plant material unethically – many are, in fact – and so I suggested he allow me to make capsules with the same adaptogens in them. This way I was able to ensure the herbs are sourced ethically, which is important to me.

As so often happens, the universe was presenting me with a prompt; I would really benefit from taking adaptogens in, as well! One of my key aims is finding flow during my day. Being “in flow” comes with focus, intention, even meditation, and having a bit of support from one’s parasympathetic nervous system is a like riding a beneficial tide in the right direction! When we are in flow we are channeling creative energy, intuition, and doing our best work.

Along with the bumps, periodic grief and loss, and stresses of life, most of us (myself included) are at least a little overloaded (even strung out) on information overload and the pace of modern living. So engaging a parasympathetic nervous state is seriously helpful to most of us. A few adaptogenic herbal friends that can help with that:

Ashwagandha (withania somnifera) is traditionally an ayurvedic herb, and is a thyroid adaptogen. Not great if you have a hyperthyroid, It stimulates the thyroid, affecting and regulating the adrenals, and increases thyroid hormones that circulate through the body. It’s also anti-inflammatory. It’s beneficial for fatigue and insomnia, encouraging deeper, restorative sleep.

Rhodiola (Rhodiola rosea) has also been used for centuries – since at least 1100 AD – in Scandinavia and Russia, where it thrives in cold climates. It’s root is an adaptogen, containing more than 140 active ingredients, and is used to treat anxiety, fatigue, and depression. It is known to support the immune system, and protect against infection and flu.

Schisandra (schisandra chinensis) is native to asia, an antioxidant known to support endurance and resilience, and protective to the liver. It aids the body in returning to a parasympathetic state, helping to manage stress reactions.

image of capsule machine, mixed ashwagandha, shisandra berry and rhodiola root

There are many adaptogens out there – these are just three that have become popular and have long histories of use.

While you can buy adaptogens in capsules and gummies at pharmacies, it’s not hard to make capsules. This capsule machine and gelatin capsules are readily available to buy online and you can buy powdered herbs from ethical suppliers like Mountain Rose Herbs online.

Wishing you flow, peace, and fun during these lengthening winter days.

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On Cholesterol, or No One Really Likes Statins Do They?

Over the years it seems like I’ve heard about cholesterol continually. My first husband was always avoiding eggs and butter because cholesterol ran in his family, and my current husband Jon is locked in mortal battle with the matter of whether to take statins, which give him muscle weakness.

Historically I’ve avoided medical literature because … well, it’s pretty dry. Recently, though, I sat down and read about cholesterol because I want to help Jon deal with it. I’m an herbalist and feel confident that if I help him modify his diet and supplement with supportive herbs and relevant lifestyle changes we can ward off his doctor’s requests that he take statins. The proof will be in the pudding of his next cholesterol screening, but in the meantime we’re on this train. 

So, here’s what I learned about cholesterol, which turns out to have an actual purpose in our bodies:

“Stress, toxins, alcohol, and many other substances create free radicals in the body by catabolizing (breaking down) oxygen molecules into reactive oxygen species, which are single atoms of oxygen that have extra “unpaired” electrons.  These “excited” electrons cleave onto other electrons in body tissues and walls of arteries, creating micro-wounds.  This is the same process that causes metal to rust – aka oxidation…

… In order to repair damaged tissue, hormones signal the liver to release cholesterol, which is a life-saving endogenous antioxidant.  Cholesterol repairs the wound. But when this type of oxidation is continual, day in and day out, the excessive wounding creates an immune response, which generates more tissue irritability and more cholesterol, and that builds up into plaque…

Paradoxically, “… the discovery of cholesterol plaque build up in arteries led to a misconception that high cholesterol is a cause of heart disease.  In fact, one cause of heart disease is the inflammation that triggers the release of cholesterol…”  (Maier, from Energetic Herbalism)

So, cholesterol serves a function in the body – it tries to protect the heart. And, heat and inflammation are healed by cholesterol.  We are treating elevated cholesterol levels with statins, but we aren’t treating heat and inflammation with them. So we’re treating a symptom, not the cause of the problem.

… And statins can cause liver damage and the breakdown of muscle tissue.  Maier says it is important to check liver function every 3-6 months when taking statins.  I’ll ask if liver function tests have come up during Jon’s odyssey with statins – he hasn’t mentioned it.

So what are the recommendations for lowering cholesterol production/reduction of inflammation and heat of oxidation?

  • Lower Sugar Intake – sugar causes cell to make its own cholesterol, which isn’t taken up and contributes to ldl levels.   (it’s such a bummer about sugar. it’s so tasty)
  • Consume antioxidants: red, blue, and purple berries, including aronia berries, blueberries, pomegranates, elderberries, and dark green vegetables
  • Sedative sour herbs: sumac (Rhus spp) and hibiscus help clear inflammation, also Roselle (H. Sabdariffa) has antioxidant effects, esp related to cholesterol.
  • 1 clove of garlic daily 
  • 25 g of oatbran on breakfast cereal
  • 1-2 tsp of oolong (especially Pu erh tea/day  (from Ody, Complete Medicinal Herbal)
  • Oyster mushrooms seem to have a cholesterol-lowering affect: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1756464610000630)

Some other interesting things to know about cholesterol and how it functions in your body:

  • Production of sex hormones, adrenal hormones including cortisol, corticosterone, and aldosterone
  • Production of bile
  • Necessary for production of vitamin D in the body
  • Important for the metabolism of fat-soluble vitamins
  • Insulating material for nerve fibers
  • Regulation of serotonin
  • Maintenance of cell membrane permeability
  • Essential role in preservation of memory

And about Red yeast rice extract - it is made from fermentation of rice with Monascus purpureus yeast.  This is the substance statin drugs have been produced from and is as effective as statins but takes longer (~6 months) to have an effect on cholesterol levels and must be taken with CoQ10.  CoQ10 is a hormone (called ubiquonone) which is found in every cell of the body and is stored in the mitochondria (organelles that power our cells). It also acts as an antioxidant.  Statins cause so much damage because they severely diminish natural production of CoQ10.  Red yeast rice does, too, but at a much lower rate. 

It’s important to know that red yeast rices is a symptomatic treatment in that is lowers cholesterol levels but is does not treat inflammation, which is the cause of the elevated cholesterol production.  (above from Maier, Energetic Herbalism)

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Awesome Herbal Burn (or all-purpose) Salve

dated burn salve tin label

One night this week I decided to roast some honeynut squash for dinner. We store our cast iron pans in the stove sometimes, and that night that was where they were. Jon started the oven and sometime later we realized the pans were in the oven heating up, so we removed them with hot mitts and went back to slicing squash, listening to Ike Quebec (jazz) and enjoying a glass of red wine.

Predictably, moments later I reached to move the pans aside and, touching the pan handle, burned myself. Sizzle – ouch!

I remembered immediately that this summer during my course in herbalism I made all-purpose (aka burn) salve, and reached into the cabinet for it. After a few minutes of rubbing the salve into my burned skin my hand felt miraculously better.

To be honest I was surprised.

I knew the salve would have healing properties, I knew the the scarring I usually have on my hands after burning myself in the kitchen would likely be far less angry and noticeable. But I didn’t expect that the salve would stop the pain. I was astonished that it did. By the time we sat down to dinner I didn’t have any pain.

the salve consistency shown in jar and on fingers

Rosemary Gladstar, who shared this recipe in an herbalism class I took this year, says that this salve is an all-purpose salve and can be used for rashes, cuts, wounds, even diaper rashes. I made it for myself as a burn salve – I knew it would come in handy.

In the past I have tried other burn remedies from the pharmacy — cooling sprays, antibiotic pain relieving creams … and of course running burnt skin under cold water. Always I’m left with a day or two of burning pain and a blister or mark that lasts days or weeks. Not this time.

I did run some cold water over the burn immediately, and only for a moment, before applying the salve, but the salve made all the difference. So I want to share how to make it for other cooks who, like me, sometimes burn themselves in the kitchen, or for anyone that’s looking for an honest and effective skin salve. Enjoy!

Rosemary Gladstar’s All-Purpose (aka Burn) Salve recipe

1 part st. john’s wort leaf and flower

1 part comfrey leaf

1 part calendula flowers

olive oil (or sunflower oil)

beeswax

Step 1: Place each of the herbs in a glass jar and cover with 1-2 inches of oil. Place in a sunny window and let infuse for 2-3 weeks (I left mine a little longer). Strain and rebottle. label and date.

To make the salve strain the oil. For each cup of herbal oil add 1/4 cup beeswax. heat the oil and beeswax together over very low heat to melt the beeswax. The beeswax will thicken as it cools.

To check for firmness do a quick consistency test: place 1 tablesppon of the mixture in the freeze for a minute or two. check to be sure its the firmness you want. For harder salve, add more beeswax, for softer salve, add more oil.

When you are happy with the consistency of the salve remove from heat and pour into glass jars or tins. Store in a cool dry place.

freshly jarred st johns wort oil and cbd salve

Please feel free to send me any questions you have about the salve or the process of making it!

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New Moon in Libra over Cape Cod Cranberries

libra tatoo on inside of Inga’s saturn finger

The Moon was new in Libra this last time on October 14th … Libra, our sister of relationships, give and take, harmony, cooperation, socializing and diplomacy…

I find myself wondering where (other than in my lovely daughter’s handshake) our sister libra is hiding, lately.

Wherever she’s got to, I’m hitting pause to look at what I’m doing to channel some of her grace and good looks in my own space.

I’ve noticed over the last few weeks (maybe longer) that it’s been harder and harder to conjure a smile, harder to keep a cool and lovely demeanor. We are short-staffed and under increasing pressure at work. The news is full of war images and climate change looms large.

So I took a walk looking for libra. I left my desk early after a long day of trying to do too much with too little, put on my shoes and a jacket, and drove to a nearby cranberry bog. We recently downsized to a little cape on Cape Cod (more on that in the next blog), and our spot is close to a bog that stretches for a few acres. It’s privately owned, sports a sign that reminds folks to clean up after their dogs, and was just recently harvested. In the photo below, taken last week, the bog was flooded and the cranberries are floating on top of the water.

So I drove to the bog, parked my car, and started to walk. Crickets chirped. I passed a young man wearing sound cancelling headphones. I walked for a while, came to a small white shack that seemed to house a pump for managing water in and out of the bog. I paused to look at the pipes that emerged from it’s clapboard side, went into the ground, and emerged into a stream along the edge of the cranberries. And then I started back the way I had come.

A couple of kids on bikes zoomed by me. The trail along the bog was sandy, behind me they stopped suddenly, stuck in the sand. Shadows reaching over the tree line to the west were growing longer, but the sun on the east side of the bog, where I was walking, was still warm.

My mind was strangely quiet – there was less monkey brain than usual. Mallard ducks glided over the surface of one of the bog’s streams. Further on, seven ducks sat on a berm sunning themselves, their beautiful feathers reflecting autumn sunlight. And there were voices behind the tree line to the east. I turned right to cross a berm toward the west side of the bog, where my car was parked.

A man and his son approached, emerging from shadows, the boy flicking a stick into the water happily. When we crossed paths, the boy looked me in the eye and said “hello!” before continuing on his way. His father and I nodded acknowledgement in turn, and they continued on their way into the sun-soaked east side, toward the ducks. It felt harmonious, even lightly social.

Returning to my car I found two others parked next to me, all in a row, arrived after I had. I presumed they were there to watch the sun brighten the bog and then sink behind the trees. Maybe they did this often and knew they’d see ducks paddling through the water, and listen to crickets chirp.

I felt the hint of. a smile cross my face.

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